"There are these things you hold onto, they become who you are. They become your story. They are first kisses. First loves. They are the good mixed with the bad, all of these things create you, form you into the person you are, who you will become. But the inability to see clearly, it consumes you. It transforms all of those moments and magnifies them. It intensifies, escalates. Before we realize it, we are gone. And I was gone. I was looking for more than I had. Needing more than I should have, all these lives I met along the way, all the roads I crossed. And in the midst of it all, I closed my eyes, fell backward, and allowed myself to fall. It wasn’t perfect, but it was. And it wasn’t a write home about it fairytale, but it was a small miracle. Me with my eyes closed. Me in some way letting go. This was a never before, and at the rate I was going it was likely to be a never again. I wasn’t really sure what I was after but I was searching. I was bent over backwards looking for something to clear my head. I wasn’t used to putting my racing thoughts aside. But I had a moment of spontaneity. Even with all of my impulses. My behaviors, I still thought, analyzed, and planned these moments. This quiet insanity this compulsion. Calculating the degree of risk. Assessing the damage. I set my inhibitions free and allowed myself to be released for a moment, in the quiet thoughts it was all so clear. A rush, a gentle breeze, and in a moment it was gone. Vanished. Disappeared. And before I knew it the sounds were back again. And the silence, the peace, it was all gone. I dreamt of having it back again, and then I laughed at the impossibility."
a voice in the darkness.
"I have loved three times in my life. Two boys and one man. I have teetered on the edge. I have looked down. And I have fallen. Countless times I have imagined love. I have fabricated. I allowed myself to be consumed by something. So often I called it love, but it was not love. On the surface this is a story about a girl who loves. A snapshot of social interaction, masking something bigger, something a little too complicated. The journey of a girl who feels this unequivocal desire to feel, constantly. A girl tormented by her emotions. No, this is not a love story; this is far from a love story. This is an exploration of reason, this is a journey into the imagination. This is the back and forth caused by an inability to shut it off. This is the longing for something more and the impossibility of letting go. This is far from a fairytale, but this is one person’s reality. The story of one girl’s decent into madness." (Silence & Noise excerpt 2009)
this wasn’t the plan.
"I was so consumed in my stuff, my fears, and my mind shrinking, breathing and swallowing me whole. And even then he saw me. So later, when he found me, when he had me, when I was his, it was something indescribable for him. An impossible thought. I didn’t get it, didn’t understand. Didn’t want to. That would have taken me admitting more than I wanted to. I fought the feelings, kept him at a distance. He didn’t keep his end of the bargain. He fell hard and he fell fast." (Silence & Noise excerpt 2009)
"But as time passed. As I got older, as all these other elements came into play. As I started doubting. Started questioning. Started hearing things louder. Hearing these whispers. Over thinking. Over feeling. Every moment lying in question. Everything hanging on the edge waiting for me to make my move. As time moved on, it was chaotic. It was the sounds in my head. The rustling in my gut. It was the fears of inadequacy. It was my self image. My self confidence. My self-esteem. Shattered. Shafted. Diminishing. It was the awkward years. It was me slowly beginning to hate myself. It was me giving in to the pain. Giving into that part of myself that wanted to corrupt me. That wanted to destroy me. It was this constant back and forth and it was me barely floating above the surface. It was all these things rolled together. And it was the complexity of one life I lived, this life where I was magnificent. And it was the contrast of me, nothing. Me losing everything. Me becoming all of these things I hated. It was these two lives. These two beings. These two stories merging into one. Seeing which could over power the other. Testing each other. Seeing who would win the battle. Wasn’t sure who to fight for. It was the angel and devil on my shoulder. It was the demon in the pit of my stomach. It was me trying to figure out who the hell I was and not wanting to see the answer. It was these two things living inside of me at the same time. It was the conflict. The confusion. The double talk. It was all of those things, then, and now." (Silence & Noise excerpt 2009)